How do you break free from victim mentality when you have FND?

Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) is a complex condition that is difficult to manage with various symptoms and intensities. FND symptoms are terrifying, and the cycle seems to be relentless. The feelings of helplessness and hopelessness is common, especially in the beginning of the FND journey or during periods of relapses. It is easy to adopt a victim mentality when you have FND.

This post explores victim mentality in FND. A mentality, that I adopted for a very long time and to be honest, one that I am still learning to break free from. This mentality was or is insidious. It is a mindset that is not always apparent. Plus, when you think the mindset is cleared, it can come and raise its ugly head in other aspects. Through coaching, I have learnt to recognise this mentality, to break free and reclaim my life.

What is a victim mindset?

A victim mindset is different from the term victim. An innocent victim has experienced a trauma or an event at some point in their life such as a victim of crime, abuse or bullying. Whereas victim mentality refers to the state of mind. Victim mentality can develop and persist from the experience of being a victim or as learned way of thinking.

A victim mindset views the world from the perspective that life is outside of your control. Meaning, life is happening to you, with little power or control over your current and future circumstances. Further victim mindset can lead to:

• Difficulty in taking personal responsibility – “It’s not my fault”.
• Believing you are always wronged – “I don’t know how my life ended up like this”.
• Self-pity – “Its just too hard”.
• Focussing on negatives or limitations – “I can’t ever do that”.

Therefore, if we view the world as something beyond our control, we avoid personal responsibility and shift the blame onto others or external circumstances. This mindset can lead to feelings of injustice and self-pity, reinforcing the belief that “bad things always happen to me.” Additionally, resistance to change, problem-solving, and self-improvement becomes more apparent when we place responsibility elsewhere. Adopting this perspective negatively impacts our mental health.

Victim mentality and FND

Having FND can foster a victim mentality. A trap that is easy to fall into and hard to get out of. The disabling and unpredictability of the symptoms that no one else around you can understand is isolating. In addition to the myriads of symptoms, a grief lingers. A grief of the life once had, the life you could have and the life that is presently occurring. Even if you have support of your immediate family, often friends or extended family do not understand FND and the effects. A lack of knowledge and understanding damages relationships further resulting in isolation and potentially isolating your immediate family supports from broader supports.

In addition, seeking treatment from medical professionals, at times, can further increase the suffering experience. Encountering professionals who do not know FND or worse have a prehistoric viewpoint of FND can cause more wounds. Even just to get the diagnosis of FND is an ordeal. For me, I experienced symptoms for nearly 30 years before I received a diagnosis. On the other hand, my daughter’s diagnosis came within a few months of her symptoms, once we sought multiple professionals and travelled 400kms to get answers. However, little assistance and treatment is available especially in rural or regional areas. All these experiences, plus many more, hinders progress and increases feelings of hopelessness.

Recognising victim mentality in yourself

There have been many times the unanswerable questions of “Why me?” or “Why my daughter?” would creep in and take root. At times I even found myself in my own haughtiness comparing my circumstances to that of others– sometimes wishing them my ills or that of my daughter as it did not seem fair. I mean, it is not fair that I missed out on my youth, or my daughter missed out performing in her play because of FND. And, if people just only can see how hard it is, then they can truly understand what my life is like and how easy they have it.

It is not my fault, I have FND. Though there is truth in that statement, that statement with the intention (either consciously or unconsciously) to excuse or justify a behaviour or to assign blame just demonstrates a negative mindset. In fact, at times I would engage in thoughts of who is to blame for my situation: my parents, the accident, the friend or the medical team when I had my accident (which seemed to have started my FND). Who should I hold accountable? The choices can seem to be endless.

However, these questions get a lot harder to ask when it is your child. Suddenly, you are the parent. The same role I tried to blame for my situation. Now, that is a bitter pill to swallow! So, to sweeten the pill to make it a little more digestible- it is because of genetics. Therefore, it is not my fault that we have FND it is someone else’s, a great grandparent somewhere, maybe. Or it’s the lack of medical treatment after the injury or is there something else to blame. Believe me, at these points, I received gold star achievement award for finding someone to something to blame. Until I realised how negative my mindset became and how toxic this is.  

Please do not misunderstand me here, it is HARD but having a ‘poor me’ attitude does not help anyone especially yourself. A victim mindset not only distorts our view on reality because there’s a tendency to see the world through a negative lens, but it also disempowers. Asking some really hard questions helps to identify a victim mentality with your FND. The following questions can help to determine if a tendency towards victim mentality exists:

• Am I dwelling on my limitations?
• Do I believe my health is out of my control?
• Have I truly accepted the diagnosis?
• Am I open to exploring solutions?

Being open to hearing other perspectives from a therapist or a trusted partner or friend who is willing and able to share their honest input can help shine a light on some realities. Though being vulnerable can be the hardest thing for me to do, my partner helps me to see where my thinking can distort my worldview. He gently reminded me that mine and my daughter’s future is our choice. Yes, there may be difficulties when you have FND, but by removing victim mentality by taking responsibility for our health and our actions we can work towards positive change.

Shifting your perspective

I realised that by having a victim mindset, I was giving away my power. In fact, I was relying on others to fix me. This meant I became a passive recipient to my recovery but more importantly, it also meant I was thinking that I was broken. But I am not broken, nor do I need to be fixed! What I needed was a change, a change in how I think and feel about myself. I needed a positive change.

Positive change starts by being self-aware, have a willingness to change and then change perspectives. Beginning with where your focus is. After all, as Tony Robbins explains, what we focus on, is where our energy goes. Consider your focus, what is within your control and what are your current strengths. Use and build on these, incorporating them into your daily routine creates a feeling of pride and worth.  

Managing the daily routine by prioritising what matters further helps to build personal agency. Personal agency means the ability to take control of your daily life, versus allowing life just to happen. Knowing what is in within your control and capabilities means that these can be incorporated into daily life, these then become a responsibility. Taking responsibility means taking ownership. Now you have ownership in your life, by deciding on what will or will not happen and when.

Also, setting goals further supports your personal agency. Goals are personal, they should reflect your values and what is important to you. Goals also need to be realistic. A realistic goal is not too hard but not too easy either. Consider something that extends the comfort zone, something that requires a little stretch to obtain. Also, the size of the goal is not a priority, because a big goal can be broken into much smaller and manageable sub-goals. And once these goals are broken down into actionable steps, these steps make a path. This path becomes the focus as it will eventually lead towards the goal. The true value is in the process and the challenges. The challenges make us stronger, provides us with further evidence of who we are and what we can accomplish.

Along the way, negative beliefs may or will creep in. Negative beliefs need to be challenged! Challenging negative beliefs means to question their truths. Negative beliefs tend to demonstrate an all or nothing thinking which can be eradicated with evidence of their falseness. A negative belief such as “I can’t do that”, is challenged by reflecting on the accomplishments, regardless of the ‘size’. Because once a true realisation of the strengths and accomplishments that you possess, the “I can’t do that” loses power- you can do it, and it has been evidence by doing something before.  

Further, setbacks are normal, they are part of everyday life. Everyone in every circumstance has experienced a setback of some description. Be kind and considerate, exercising self-care and self-compassion. Out of all things that I remember, the old Pantene shampoo TV advertisement with Rachel Hunter saying the tag line at the end -“It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”. It is just a reminder to have faith. Faith is having complete trust and confidence in your abilities. After seeing what can be accomplished and recognising the difficulties that is endured, a little set back is just a little speed bump. Speed bumps provide opportunities to learn, providing us with life experience which keeps us moving forward.

And finally, showing gratitude. Taking the time to be thankful for the day, the supports and the circumstances we do have. Whether it is writing them in your diary or even starting a gratitude journal, but recognising and appreciating our blessings have so many physical benefits for ourselves and others.

Conclusion

Shifting my perspective from being negative where fear and a “victim mindset” run my life to focusing on strengths and what is within my control. I learnt to manage my mental health by and my FND by removing a to build a better future and I hope you can too.